[***]
I work in a shoe store,
and still I'm not happy to come home.
Mr. Bundy, wanna buy some chipmunk cookies?
No. Go away.
You can't tell me you're not hungry.
My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
Well, you go home and tell your daddy,
you have the mailman's eyes.
It's food.
All right.
Gimme a box of these macaroons.
Cash only...deadbeat.
I don't have any cash. Give me some credit.
Eat a bug.
Wet a bed.
Ah, jeez.
"Dear Al...
"you always complain there's no dinner.
Surprise. I left it on the table for you."
You ate my dinner, you bag of fleas and ticks.
I'm starving.
Hi, honey.
Oh, Al, we had such a great day.
Steve took us all to the zoo.
And Al, it was the best time to go.
No lines or anything.
Because, you know, during the day,
all the idiots who have jobs can't go.
[LAUGHING]
Dad, you'll never guess what we saw
at the zoo today, with Uncle Steve.
A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?
No. A big gorilla, big as you,
scratching himself.
Yeah, and he had one hand where his pants would be.
And in his other hand--
You know how you hold your beer?
Well, he was holding something.
I think it was doody.
Where were you around 3:00 today?
You know, my favorite part was the penguin cage.
It really makes you think.
There, but for the flippers, go I.
Well, the flippers and a breakaway bra.
You know, you should be nice to me.
If I hadn't told the guard that you were with us,
you'd be riding a unicycle and clapping for fish
right about now.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, my God, I'll bet that's Marcie.
I was supposed to be out looking for a job today.
If she smells fun on me, I'm a dead man.
Stall her.
Pretty pathetic, huh?
You know, I don't think Steve has what it takes not to work.
He almost seems ashamed of it.
I'll tell you what:
If I ever get like that, shoot me.
Uh, in case I'm not here when that happens,
can I just wing you now?
Oh, hi, Marcie.
I went to the zoo today with the kids, and nobody else.
How was your day?
Superb.
Since I got demoted to drive-up teller,
everything is just so much more exciting.
It's a people job.
They drive up to my window,
order a cheeseburger... spit at me
and drive away.
But they're not all like that.
Some of them actually try to pull my hand
through the chute
before they spit at me and drive away.
So, between that and the cheery "Hurry up, you stupid moo-cow,"
the 50-hour workweek just seems to zoom by.
Don't let them bother you, Marcie.
Ignore them, chew your cud and hold your horns up high.
Boy, what a day.
Oh, Marcie...
I didn't expect to see you here.
Oh, damn.
I wish I could've been home in time to cook you dinner.
Ah, I'm such a failure.
Oh. No, honey, it's ok.
Did you find anything today, angel heart?
Oh, no.
Not from lack of trying.
I've heard it all:
Too old, too young, too handsome.
Put your feet up, folks.
Getting pretty deep in here.
Shh!
Oh, well, you come on home, Steve.
I'll rub your feet for you.
They must be tired from walking all day.
Oh, but dear, you work so hard.
But...okay.
Hey, Mr. Rhoades, before you go,
I have a zoo question for you.
When you were riding the little train
around Bear Land today,
were there any real-live teddy bears,
like Bud said?
Or do they live someplace else, like I think?
Uh, Marcie, I can't go on keeping secrets from you.
I was at the zoo today
and I really didn't look for anything.
Well, good, Steve.
Tonight when we're in bed together,
don't look for anything there, either.
Well, then I guess you won't take this well, either.
I've been thinking.
I don't really want to work.
It's boring.
I'm having fun not working. Peggy says--
Well, Marcie says, you're working, leech-man.
Now...on the slim chance
you weren't going to do squat today,
which you didn't,
I called your former boss
on my lunch six minutes...
and he agreed to see you.
So, if you could put on a clean suit,
brush those teeth,
and put on some cologne to cover up that wombat smell...
he'll see you tomorrow afternoon.
I will meet you there
to make sure you say, "I'll take it,"
to any menial job that's tossed your way.
Well, I'm afraid tomorrow doesn't work for me.
I told Peggy and the kids I'd take them to the aquarium.
Well, dear... I'm afraid
you'll be rather uncomfortable at the aquarium
with my foot lodged
where mommy used to put the thermometer.
You know, Peg,
seeing Marcie take charge like that
reminds me of what a real man should be.
So, I'm putting my foot down.
Tomorrow, when I come home, I want my slippers,
I want my paper, before Buck.
I want my dinner, again, before Buck.
I am the Marcie of this house.
I have spoken.
So it is written. So it shall be done.
"Place cheese critters in water,
"and watch them grow.
Keep out of reach of children."
Oh, hi, honey.
You should've been with us today.
We had a great time.
Yeah, we fed a shark a hamburger,
and then they gave a French fry to this guppy,
and he exploded.
And Dad, they had those great hot dogs
that you like so much.
Mom put one on each side of her mouth
and pretended like she was a walrus.
Does anyone care that I haven't eaten in days?
I haven't really thought about it.
Not too much. Not really, no.
You look a little down, Steve.
What's wrong?
The choo-choo through Toyland shut down?
Worse than that, Al.
It's Bosco.
You have some Bosco?
Well, let me spit in a glass, and we'll mix it up.
No. I mean, Bosco, the rare Caribbean
pygmy sea turtle at the aquarium.
He looked really despondent today.
Was he selling shoes to the other turtles?
No.
They have him in an itty-bitty tank.
He must weigh 200 pounds.
He's as out of place in that tank
as you would be in a library.
Like a trouper, he kept his beak up.
But I could tell...
he was just a shell of a turtle.
You should've seen them, Al.
Both of their little noses pressed up against the glass.
You could barely tell them apart.
No, the turtle is the one with the job.
Oh, that's right!
I was supposed to meet Marcie
at my old bank today.
Ugh!
Oh, man. Mrs. Rhoades is gonna gut you
like a fish.
Hey, hey, hey. I can handle Mrs. Rhoades.
I'll just give her what she's been begging for all week:
my famous chocolate soufflé.
Yeah, it takes a good two hours,
but a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A drug-crazed gunman
attempted to rob the Leading Bank of Chicago
this afternoon.
His attempt was foiled by a feisty local woman,
Marcie Rhoades,
whom he tried to seize as a hostage.
But he picked the wrong woman, didn't he, Mrs. Rhoades?
Is that gunshot wound through your hand bothering you?
Not really, Waldo.
What's bothering me is, my husband is a screwup.
You went to the zoo again today, didn't you, Steve?
That soufflé better be damn fluffy.
Exactly how did you apprehend the criminal?
Well...when the robber jammed his gun in my stomach,
I did what I felt I had to do.
I threw up on the floor.
As he slipped on it, he knocked himself out.
But the gun went off and shot me through the hand,
horribly wounding me.
But enough about me. How was your day, Steve?!
Well...guess I'll go home,
get my stuff and head for the Y.
Listen, if she comes over here, you haven't seen me.
Uh...tell her I'm out looking for a job.
She'll buy it.
After all, she's probably loaded full of painkillers.
Tee-hee. Oh, hi!
Hi, Marcie.
I was just out, uh, looking for a job.
So, what's up?
See this hand, Steve?
Yeah.
See this one?
Gee, this, kind of, puts the kibosh
on the sailboat trip tomorrow,
doesn't it?
Thanks for bringing me here, Al.
I'm sorry you had to see me like that.
I usually pride myself on being a lady at all times.
Hey, lard butt!
A couple of brewskis over here.
Hey, guys! A toast.
To the working man.
The last American hero.
Right, guys?
ALL: Right.
We work to make a living,
and what do we get?
ALL: Squat.
And what else?
ALL: Nothing.
Why do we go on?
ALL: We're stupid.
A toast to the stupid working man.
ALL: To us.
Do you know what really frosts my weenie?
After you marry them,
they don't care how they look.
Don't even shave, right, guys?
Right. Yeah, sure.
Well, I can't complain.
At least, I live with one who has a job, makes me dinner
and doesn't mind rubbing my feet after a hard day.
Yeah, but your mom's getting kind of old.
Besides, moms aren't really women.
I'm talking about the things you marry.
I mean, when you come--
I mean, when you come crawling home after a hard day,
what do they want?
ALL: Loving.
They don't understand it's just more work for us.
I mean...the last thing a guy wants to look at
at the end of a day is a woman.
Hey, look at that one.
ALL: Ooh!
Hey, Al,
you know what else ticks me off?
It's the way they change.
I mean, when I first married Steve,
he was a greedy, materialistic pig.
He'd step on an old lady for a dollar.
[LAUGHS] God, how he excited me.
Now, he's just another man,
with sea horses on his boxer shorts.
Oh, Al...what if Steve never works again?
Lock yourself in the bathroom
and don't have kids.
Hey, guys. Kids!
ALL: Boo.
Case in point:
See that old man in the corner there?
Neil Cockran. Eight kids.
He's 30 years old.
Steve and I talked about having children.
God, can you imagine that life?
You, the only working parent,
a couple of kids chained to your wallet.
Ugh!
I'd rather have a knife plunged in my throat.
Sorry.
Oh. I guess what's really bothering me here
about Steve is that, not only are we not talking,
but this is the first time in our relationship
I've kept secrets from him.
I mean, I'm keeping something from him right now,
even though I know it's wrong.
Oh, Al. Maybe you can help me handle this.
Wait a minute here, Marce.
I know you look at me and just see hunk, but--
You're not the first who tried to bag the big one.
But, uh...
It can never be. I belong to another.
And, more importantly, I find you physically repulsive.
I don't want you, you shaved ape.
Hey, no need to get personal, chicken legs.
Anyhow...
you remember when I...
sort of caught that bank robber?
Well, what I didn't tell Steve is that they...
sort of gave me a little reward.
How much?
Twenty five thousand dollars.
Hey, barkeep.
A whiskey for the lady and a deck of cards for me.
Boy, it's really scary being unconscious.
The things you imagine.
I thought two little leprechauns and a redheaded giant
were going through my pockets.
Then a woman with a mustache gave me a big French kiss.
That was Buck.
He thought your tongue was his chew rag.
Well...I can't go through life getting knocked out.
I guess there's no way around it.
Marcie wants me to get a job,
I guess I have to get a job.
Oh, forget about Marcie for a minute.
What do you want to do?
I want to be a cowboy.
Well...let's just say that all the cowboy jobs
were taken by men.
[LAUGHS]
What's your second choice?
Well...
I was hoping to do something special,
something that's been on my mind all day.
But I don't have the nerve.
I know you look at me and just see man candy.
But it can never be.
First, I belong to another.
And, second, ha, ha, ha...
you couldn't handle the ride.
I can't even handle the thought.
Ah, forget it. Who cares what I want?
Well, I care, Steve.
Look, tomorrow you gotta go out and get some stinking job
you'll be saddled with, just to please Marcie.
You really don't want me?
Oh, well.
Anyway, before you do, you owe it to yourself
to do something that pleases you.
Peggy...you're right.
And I'm gonna do it.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
[SIGHS]
He wants me.
Last call.
Come on, Marcie. It's a normal bar bet.
Twenty five thousand dollars to the one who can hit the bowl
from farthest away.
Shall we?
I got 5 bucks on the broad.
I don't know.
Maybe the smell of this check will wake Steve up again.
Maybe it will remind him of the good old days,
when we used to drive to the poor side of town,
and pull up next to some old guy,
and ask him for change of 1000.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, the times we had.
I don't know.
Maybe I've been too hard on him.
I'm gonna tell Steve about the money.
Hey, look at this.
And to close,
we have a story about a true moron.
Tonight, an unemployed househusband
and self-described man of nature,
thinking that the last Caribbean pygmy turtle
born in captivity was unhappy,
broke into the zoo aquarium, stole the turtle
and released it into Lake Michigan.
Apparently, this man of nature
didn't know it was a saltwater turtle.
Witnesses report Bosco tried valiantly
to crawl back out of the water,
only to be thrown back in by this deranged, unemployed man,
standing on the bank, singing "Born Free."
Bosco will be missed.
Bail has been set at $25,000.
Not nearly enough in this reporter's opinion.
Ahh, well.
I guess I know what I have to do.
You gonna go bail him out?
Let him rot.
I'm gonna buy myself a new Jag.
Hey, Bundy. You ready to settle up your tab?
Yep, I'm ready.
* Born free *
* Free as the grass grows *
* Free as the wind blows *
[***]